When it Just Ain't Fun Anymore

Last night I pulled out of the band. I'd been chewing over whether to do it for a few months, feeling that things would have to get just a little bit worse before I made a move. We were due to play a gig on Wednesday night and when it got cancelled, yet one of the band members wanted us to play it for free anyway, I started thinking, hmmm. When we found out last night that they had promised we would play it for free to the owner of the pub, I thought, ho?

After a few minutes of wrangling about whether we would do 40 minutes for free or an hour for all the whiskey we could drink, or half a set all together, followed by half the band limping on into the night just for sympathy. I thought, Naomi this is no longer a productive part of your life and needs to be gently set free, in order to welcome something better in its place.

I said my brief piece and we all sat around silently as though attending a wake, naked instruments in hand, wondering how to move forward.

One member of the band was convinced it must be their fault and started trying to elicit reasons and justifications. Yes, they were right, and it was this very act of prodding and pleading for reasons, that convinced me I had made the right decision. They were acting like a lover who demands to know every gory detail of an infidelity even whilst each word cuts them to the quick. But I chose not to give the painful satisfaction of knowing exactly what it was I found difficult. I'm not in the dirty business of handing out punishment here. I just want out, honey - yes it is you, but I'm moving on quietly, so let me go.

So for now, I will sing what I want, when I want. I will sing watery in the shower and loudly to the radio, I will sing with Finley when he makes up songs and I will sing in the street after a night out. I will miss those beautiful strings accompanying me as I sing, but I will not miss the angst and the pressure of having to dance about someone else’s neurosis. I will remember Jonathan Kay and that lesson about singing from the soul - because if my soul ain't in it, whatever is the point?