At the End of the Beginning

Of late I'm afraid I've been struggling to summon up the energy to post anything here worth reading...

See, we're 18 months into building our super-insulated, lovingly thought out, shared-equity, self-build house and we don't even have a piece of paper guaranteeing that we will be able to put the thing up. At the end of the beginning, it feels hard to hang on to a germ of enthusiasm that swelled so long ago and survives purely on our guilty, late at night forays into the world of internet architecture porn.

It's coming soon, soon, soon we hope. After the next hurdle jumped, after another raft of late nights and head scratching as Nick (a professional sustainable design consultant) combs the paperwork for errors, draws up schedules and writes dizzyingly competent notes to the many interested parties in this unique venture.

I do what I can, inhaling information until my lungs are fit to burst, learning in a steep curve that has me rubbing my eyes and speaking with newfound authority on anhydrite screed, urea formaldehyde content of plywood and the relative merits of sandstone and slate. But I am not Nick and the hours and hours of time spent hunched over a computer are his burden.

I miss him.

I keep the house, cook the meals, see my clients, practice for a gig, chat with Fin as we snuggle in front of pre-bed TV. His bedtime creeps a little later as we enjoy the syrup of sleepy company.

Sometimes I catch myself resenting the routine, I might be in our sunny rose filled garden - taking in the washing, singing whichever song I'm learning, smoothing out the creases. It feels like a betrayal to regret any part of this privileged life, to wish for more, when Nick is toiling for our future in the most selfless way.

It's the waiting that feels like a straight jacket. Waiting for solicitors to talk to other solicitors, hoping that our mortgage offer will still stand when we finally clutch that longed for contract in our trembling fingers.

Tomorrow I will whisk Fin away to the beach after school and remind myself that whatever happens a month from here, now is a place to be tasted and enjoyed.

x x x